My Partner has PTSD, Mental Illness- what was I thinking!

Living with a partner with mental illness is infurating sometimes…

I married a man with mental illness…and i didn’t listen to the little voice inside that told me not to.  Who would have thought…that my life would take this turn?  He was just a boy I fell in love with when I was working in high school. He joined the military…I entered the medical field.  Years went by without contact- mainly due to computers/internet and cell phones were not part of our lives at that time.  17 years later- thanks to Facebook- he walked back into my life.  At the time it felt wonderful.  We both were single with children…he was retired, I now had a masters degree working at a local acute care hospital.  We were both eager to feel loved. It was familiar. It felt good to have someone know me- where I came from….I did not know, nor did I immediately catch on, the extent of his mental illness.

I’m primarily started this blog with the realization, how little support there is for the partners of those suffering from Mental Illness.  I didn’t realize the need until I physically went to a support group.  I need to express my personal experiences, research, good, bad  and the constant tug at my heart to just leave him…and the love I have not to abandon him.  Its a struggle that grows within my own heart as each year goes by.  I live with two/three people within one…Theres my husband…whom i adore and he adores me- that one would do anything….theres my PTSD husband that is hyper vigilant and unreasonable at times…and the mental illness that coincides with his PTSD that becomes overly aggressive, cruel, yells, is mean, hostile, makes everything out to be my fault and emotionally abandons me for weeks at a time.  I have minimal emotional/physical intimacy with him and now often feel like a nurse, rather than a wife…treading through life and at times wondering what happened to me???   He gave his life as a blank check to the military, yet somehow now I’m suffering alongside him…wondering what is going to become of me …why am I still here to care take…why…My life consists of care managing our family, our finances and my husband.  Somehow…Im beginning to lose myself and I reach and grasp for whats left of me.